Lavanya Opines


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Zinaid and Zinaida – Conversation 43

thought of uZinaida to Zinaid..some day..some conversation..some thing happens..Zinaida says:
His is the first thought that comes to my mind when I wake up…
His is the last thought that go through my mind before I fall asleep…
His are the thoughts I keep getting in between,…
He is you…still…

His are the thoughts that interrupt the work..
His are the thoughts that are interrupted by work..
His are the thoughts that keep me going…
He is you…but…

He is completely mine at the moment, but he is not absolutely mine forever…
He is magic in the moment, but he is not real forever…
He is real in the moment, but he is a memory forever…
He is you..yet…

He is blessing, he is present…
He is happiness, he is craziness…
He is love, he is hug..
He is kiss, he is touch..
He is you…I love you..

Zinaida waits..Zinaid doesn’t say anything..Zinaida doesn’t ask..their conversation continues…

Photo source: http://www.pakmediarevolution.net/

(C) Lavanya 2015


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Anger, Childishness, And all this for what?

whatI was angry with my mother last week. I did not want to get my matrimonial pictures clicked. They always, always make me look ‘too fat’. Yes, the phrase is ‘too fat’ and not ‘healthy’. I never understood the concept of these pictures. And each time I get angry and frustrated. And in this commotion, in my heart and in my life, I always lose something. In this instant case, I lost my wallet. As with everybody, my wallet has all important documents. I did not realize the same until morning when I was rushing for my office. I was angry. Angry not just for the lost wallet but also because I was made to go to photographer and as a result I lost my wallet. I was furious for so many things I don’t even know why and can’t explain why. I didn’t talk much but I banged the door. I wanted to bang it really very hard but somehow I banged it in controlled manner. In the night, I blasted some but still in controlled manner. In the morning, I got to know I left my wallet in the car driven by our family friend-uncle, who in the first place suggest the photo-op.

After my anger subsided, I was asking myself ‘all this for what’? Why was I angry? And why was I blasting though still in controlled manner? Was it because of the repressive emotions related to photo-op who most would think as ‘innocent’? Was it because of the dragging I put with just to please my mother? I don’t know. But I would like to believe that the controlled blasting has something to do with ‘controlling anger’. Something that prevented things to go to a place where there is no return. Something that prevented the harmony from being turned into discord. I see a lot people these loosing their control and just getting physically abusive and using offensive language for petty things. More importantly, the recent spat between traffic cops and public. He is trying to enforce rules. Why are you trying to break in first place? He is taking bribe. Why are you not reporting? There could be so many solutions. Only if these people could just for a minute only control their anger, I think a lot of public spats could be prevented. Why not look for real reasons of your anger and find solutions for them?

Another incident is being childish with my guy. I know my guy is busy and takes time for me. Sometimes he is just worn out but never does let me feel left out. He even spices things by saying somethings that get me irritated. I do get irritated but playfully and fake annoyance. I know he loves this and tries to sooth me. But I feel sometimes, this playfulness gets a bit too far and takes shape of childishness. And this is evident by way he talks and changes the topic.

After sometime, I was asking myself ‘all this for what’? Just to keep mundane things out of the conversation and spice things up? But we get little time to talk and is this childish behavior worth it? Shouldn’t we think about this aspect in our relationships too? A relationship has to many ingredients. Two of them being playfulness and being childlike. There is a fine line between playfulness and annoyance and between being childlike and being childish. Sometimes in eagerness to make our beloved happy we don’t see the fine line and we don’t realize when we are crossing. I may have controlled my anger but I think I haven’t yet been able to see the fine line when playfulness turns into childishness. Hopefully, this time I see the fine line and stop myself from crossing. 🙂

Photo Source: Google Images


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Heart Breaks and Desire to Know…

First of all, my darling girl friend, this post is not based on you. I had this in my mind for quite some time, thinking how many times my heart broke and how I reacted. All this when I wasn’t able to connect with my guy. You know he encourages all this writing and extra curricular activities in me and my mind goes in hyper-active mode when I am not able to connect with him. Just read on and hope this brings smile on you at last.
heart

OK. Ladies and Darlings. We girls go through a lot of breakups in our life until we get married. (May be we get our hearts broke after marriage too but I am not married yet) My guess is that we have more breakups than men. Shouldn’t there be a study to prove it? So I thought (not in sense of proving it) of listing out the various breakups I had (though I had only few) and figuring out ‘desire to know’ the reason of break up. As I stated, break-ups happen at every age and at every stage. There is just no guarantee that it will happen or that it will not happen. Its better nobody gets heart breakup because it’s very very painful. But after some time, when you get over this breakup, you will laugh over your ‘desire to know’ and ‘reasons for the breakup’.

1. Teenage Breakup between 16-19 years – First love. Magic. Everything is new. Life itself is new. New emotions. Nobody knows why we fall in love at this age. Hardly we know what type of guy we want, what do we expect from the guy and more importantly what do we expect from ourselves. But love knows no such logic and rational. So we fall in love. And then we have the heart-break. And a big, profound, and aggressive ‘desire to know’ the answer for ‘why me’, and ‘why did he’, and ‘how could he’. But ladies, its our ‘childish nature’ that breakup happened. You guys are not compatible or better you guys were not able to understand each other. Or my favorites: the other gal/guy is much better than you and deserves them (for worse naturally) or the guy is simply jerk (in case of boys – the girl is stupid). You know, standing at 31 and looking back, it’s still childish. 🙂

2. Young Breakup between 20-26 years – For someone like me its first love. For some others it may not be first love. We may not be experienced in life or love but we definitely know what we want from our life and career. We think that we know the type of guy we want, but we are not sure. We want someone who definitely encourages our career and does not bound us with traditions. This stage is where we know ourselves and our aspirations and our ambitions. But may be we don’t know what type of man we are compatible with. Yet we fall in love. And then we have the heart-break. And a big, profound, and aggressive ‘desire to know’ the answer for ‘why me’ and ‘why did he’, and ‘how could he’. But ladies, it is our ‘knowing ourselves perfectly well’, ‘knowing what we want’, but not able to understand ‘what he wants’. We may think we are good for them but may be it is not the other way round. And we don’t easily accept this. We spend time and efforts in making things work and consequently losing ourselves in the process. At last the time comes when the last our tears have fallen and we are ready to move on. But not before we have inflicted so much pain to ourselves. You know, standing at 31 and looking back, it’s still experience and a story to share with your grand daughters and sons. 🙂

3. Women Breakup between 30 and beyond – Oh yes, fairy tales happen and is happening with me :). But at this stage we not only know ourselves but also know what exactly is love is and what is that makes the relationship going. We cannot explain in words but we know our guy is the one you want to be with, grow old with, and enjoy life through all its crests and troughs, and build a home together. If he is not the guy, then we wouldn’t get serious enough to let him into our life and to let him break our precious heart. So we are wise enough to know the life. And wiser enough to know its the love that is binding us together. We make efforts to know and understand each other. We make efforts to turn each other’s strengths into our own. We make efforts to turn each other’s weakness into things which spice up our love. Yes, there will be difference of opinions but not disagreements. Yes, there will be anger but not resentment. Yes, there will be lows but not low enough from where you cannot crawl back and build home together. For there is only one thing that binds you with him. And that is love. Yet, if still there is a heart-break, there is no ‘desire to know’. Because the only reason we break up is because there is no more love, no more feeling of love. For when love is not there, no other reason matters. For when love is there, no other difference matters.

So ladies and my darling girl friend. Please don’t drain yourself. Pour your heart out. Let the pain come out and not stay in your heart or in your memory. Darling, love will come again. Because when it comes, it never leaves. For there is always a heart out there waiting for your heart. 🙂

P.S.: I deliberately left breakup between 27-30 years because I think in these years we focus more on our career and therefore no time to love or boyfriends 🙂

Photo Source: Google Images