Lavanya Opines


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This is a post filled with negative emotions..

I need to be discreet in this post as the content is potential bomb that has the capability to affect a lot of people, destabilize my career, and damage my financial health. But I want to put forth my negative emotions – anger, bitterness, helplessness, tension, and a lot many other, which I am not able to identify. Just I am sad. Very, very, sad.

I have good experience in varied trades. I am not expert. And I am not jack off all trades either. I know how much I can do and I know how much I can do better. I know my faults and I know shortcomings. Whatever I am, I am self-made. Nobody taught me anything out of sheer interest to teach things. I made mistakes. I was scolded for mistakes. I was told how not to do mistakes but not how to correct them. I learned them myself. But when someone behaves like God, I have attitude problems in accepting such behavior. When someone wags tongue, I have attitude problem in accepting such talk. When someone tries to make me feel guilty, I have attitude problem in accepting such person. When someone doesn’t explain reasons and keep pointing I am a failure, I have attitude problem in accepting such person. When someone doesn’t know how to handle their responsibility and yet throw their position, I have attitude problem in accepting such person. When someone is at a certain senior position or is a client, they seem to forget one thing. With great power comes great responsibility. And I cant do much about my situation because they can screw me bad. I have attitude problems with person who loose faith and confidence in me just because someone has fed them bullshit. I have attitude problems with person who cannot stand on their stand.

Yes, this is a learning phase. But, I am doing very bad right now. I don’t know anything that makes my position strong. I have no clue about how to make myself happy and how to come out with flying colors. All I know is I want to burn out completely and then rise like a phoenix. A process which will take time to slowly burn me out. A process which will break a lot of myths and facades. A process which is painful.

Anyone out there, reading my post and has understood my feelings, please write to me and help me.

 

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My addictions..

Drug addiction. Alcohol addiction. Women addiction. Porn addiction. Sex addiction. There are so many life damaging and life altering addictions. So much has been researched and published about them. So many programs, rehabilitation centers are present to help people to become sober. But I am so away from them. So above them yet so beneath them. The kind of addictions I have, they are type which above the surface seem harmless but beneath the surface, they quietly grip you and suck into darkness. A darkness from which you always come out like you have woken up from a bad dream. Yet damage has been done and life has been altered to a certain degree. Here, I list my addictions after a careful observation of myself by being a mute spectator.

1. Watching idiot box: I become an idiot when I am watching the idiot box. Especially during weekends. I am so sucked into whatever I am watching, that I forget I am watching something. I am just glued to it. Come weekend, and I become a complete idiot. I don’t know why I become such an idiot. If I have to do something, I have to put reminder, switch off the idiot box and do my work. When the idiot box is not behaving idiotically, I am able to gather my self and do something productive on weekends. But then what are weekends for?

2. Over thinking – in both directions: I am piscean. So granted, I am over sensitive. But I over think and keep thinking until I hit a wall and bounce like a ball. Not good for health, especially mental health. Humans, generally use only a small portion of their brains. It seems I abuse more than that in over thinking. But then, its occupational hazard for me not to over think. my job requires me to over think. Everybody in my office does everything “over”.  Negatives wreak my mood and positives make me crazy. But then what is a life without an “over” bit of drama?

3. Giving more: People seek two lines of advice and some lines of solace. I tend to give “more” on both counts. I just feel the flow and flow with it. I forget that I am a person speaking with experience and research I have done so far on various topics (which coincidentally happen to be same topics for which people seek advice and solace), that is actually behind my advice and solace. The reason why people seek my advice in first place. I forget all this after sometime. And I start feeling like I am an individual with shades of Oprah, incarnated on this mortal earth to give mortal some life lessons. Bullshit. I tend to do over everything.  But then who doesn’t want such fame?

What about your addictions? Can you turn them around like I did?

 


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The Pleasure is All Mine …

I picked up this book while browsing the book shop solely for the title and cover page. I read few pages and discovered the content is for mature adults, as duly mentioned on back cover. I smiled and put the book down. Then I thought why did I put the book down? Was it for the adult content? Was I bothered that when people see me reading this book they will form opinions about me? Wasn’t I silently affirming the same stereotypes of the society that I want to break by even having these questions? The answer to these questions was ‘yes’ and consequently I purchased the book. The sales person of the shop (I am regular there but this guy doesn’t know that) did not react at all. He gave the book as a usual transaction. Was I looking for some reaction there? May be he wasn’t aware of this book just like he is, or may be, unaware of 50 shades of grey. Why was even I bothered about the same? I am a reader and I have a freedom to read any book and to make such choice. I started reading the book in bus and metro. People saw the cover of the book. They didn’t bother. I didn’t bother. Why should book1anyone be bothered? Because of the stereotypes we are bound to?

The power of any book or for that matter education and knowledge is to raise the inquisitive nature of a human being and challenge the intellect, the wisdom, notions the human being has so far gained. For me this book challenged me to think whether I am truly capable of even breaking the stereotypes or I am just being a hypocrite. I will come to this question later in another blog. First, let me provide a review of the book per se.

This book is second from Shanaya Taneja. She becomes the first Indian author this year I read. The book is intense with detailed explicit descriptions of passion, love-making and feelings therein. The author has made a considerable effort in presenting that this love-making is not a mechanical things but a lot goes in mind during those sessions, and the effort pay offs. People often enter into purely sexual relationships for different reasons. When it comes to sexual desires and coupled with feeling of loneliness and not be desired or wanted, people often break restrictions-whether self-imposed or societal pressures. But what happens when you add the need to continue to live an extravagant life one is accustomed to? This book is answers this question. All 5 protagonists, Sanjay, Bharathi, Abhinav, Trisha, and Ankit, enter into each other’s life, deceive and betray each other for money using unfulfilled sexual desire as the ammunition. Until we reach 15-20 pages towards end, the book is full of descriptions of intense love making and the various thoughts that cross the mind during and after love making. The author has done a good job by portraying the conflicts that play in one’s mind when one is not following certain human rules (not societal rules). The conflicts can only be understood only if the passion is understood and the passion can be understood if the conflicts can be understood.

But after reading some sessions in the book, I truly felt bored reading about them. May be the reason was “too much of anything takes away the pleasure in itself”. The end was twisting but I was disappointed. The common thread among the 5 protagonists was that all of them were deceiving and betraying at least one person. However, rather than giving success of Trisha and Ankit, who plotted the entire scam of luring and robbing Sanjay using Abhinav and Bharathi, success should have been given to Bharathi, who could have been portrayed as strong yet cunning woman who took revenge from all those who exploited her, in a typical “revenge is best served cold” manner. The book steers clear from being preachy and presents the story in as-it-is basis. The book cannot be compared with “Adultery” by Paulo Coelho, as both authors are different in handling these conflicting human states and emotions. Frankly, Adultery was very depressing and too preachy in my opinion. This book, on the contrary, touches and presents the dark emotions and related conflicts. It would be great to see if the author is able to explore these dark emotions on a next level that moves beyond sexual desires and plays with intellect.

Overall the book is one time read. Appreciation must be given to the author, who despite having the Indian back drop, did not the make the book sound like “Hinglish” or “translated from Hindi to English”. It was out and out an English fiction with Indian Backdrop.